3/13

You’re the only person I want to talk to, and you’re gone. It was your dad who found you. He says you were in the bathroom. Remember when we greened out in the tub? That’s where he said you were. Fully clothed, no water in the bath, just you and your vomit. Were you thinking about me when you took the pills? You selfish piece of shit. Were you just trying to get high? Did you even mean to kill yourself, you fucking psycho?

I don’t know what to do now that you’re gone. By the time I got to the hospital your skin was already colorless. You were so cold, and that’s not right. You run hot, and my hands are always freezing. They shake all the time now. You were probably freezing and shaking, too. Before you died.

3/14

It would’ve been too much for you to leave a note right? To explain fucking anything at all. To tell me how I’m supposed to go on from here. To tell me how I could’ve prevented this.

Listen, I know you weren’t happy, okay? But neither was I. And we had each other, and that was enough. Why couldn’t that be enough for you?

3/15

You’d be so pissed if you knew that Bella reached out to me. Hell, if you had thought for even a fucking second about what things would be like after you died you’d be pissed. If everybody loved you this much while you were around this probably wouldn’t have happened. Or maybe it would’ve. I keep replaying the days leading up to it, trying to figure out what the final straw was. You never said anything. It’s like you didn’t want me to convince you to stay with me. Did I even mean anything to you?

3/16

The next football game is being played in your honor. Dickens emailed me asking if I would say a few words about you at the start of the game. If you were here, you’d kill yourself laughing.

3/17

My mom is putting me in therapy. I think she’s trying not to burden me with how much she misses you. She would’ve wanted you to move in with us if things were that bad. Why didn’t you tell me things were that bad?

3/18

If I weren’t so miserable I’d be impressed with how quickly the school is rolling out memorial events. You’re never gonna guess what they just announced. A marathon. A suicide prevention marathon. I bet your dad is making t-shirts. What a piece of shit.

3/19

Your dad did in fact make t-shirts. I told her not to but my mom got me one. It’s hideous, Lex. It’s this disgusting traffic cone orange and it says “RUN FOR ALEXA” in, I shit you not, Comic Sans. I actually laughed when I saw it, before crying.

I cry so much I can feel my body shutting down. My throat hurts all the time and I have this insane stomach pain, but the thought of eating makes me violently nauseous. I have a killer migraine, too. Remember when we were little and you told me to visualize the headache dissolving away into nothingness? Well, you’re nothing now, and you hurt more than ever. So that’s some shit advice.

3/20

You fucking asshole, I can’t keep watching Adventure Time without you. I’m never gonna find out how it ends and I really fucking liked that show. You just keep taking and taking.

3/21

I’m gonna stop writing now. It’s not like you’re reading anyway. Bye, Lex.



oblique strategies